I jam a pair of scissors into my crotch every day. Do I need help?
Only if your aim is bad.

My aim is bad. What do I do?

• Take hold of scissors. Hold at arm's length.
• Aim pointy end of the scissors at crotch.
• Bring pointy end of scissors towards crotch in a straight line. Followthrough is important.
• Move scissors away from crotch until they are again at arm's length.
• Repeat.

Hey, isn't this just a metaphor for masturbation?
No. If blood spurts out of you when you masturbate, you should see a doctor.

If I jam a pair of scissors into my crotch repeatedly, will my head explode?
No. Impartial studies by the Scissor Manufacturers' Association have shown that no cases of exploding heads have been reported due to jamming scissors into your crotch, although a few cases of acne were reported.

May I use a pair of children's scissors?
Yes, children's scissors are acceptable. However, they may not be as effective as normal scissors unless you sharpen them excessively.

May I use a pair of garden shears?
Again, yes; garden shears are acceptable, although their size and weight means that they may not be for everyone.

All I can find is an exacto-knife. May I use it?
No. Not only does an exacto-knife NOT qualify as scissors, but after one swipe, you may find that you no longer have a crotch to jam your exacto-knife into.

A friend and I want to try 'mutual jamming'. Is this okay?
Yes, but only if it's consensual, and only if you trust the other person not to hold out on you. There's nothing more dispiriting than jamming a pair of scissors into your friend's crotch only to discover that they're too busy enjoying it to return the favour.

Is it considered bad form to jam scissors into your crotch in public?
Yes, of course. Just because we know you DO it, what makes you think we want to LOOK at you doing it?

Is there such a thing as jamming a pair of scissors repeatedly into your crotch too often?
Yes. A healthy person can jam a pair of scissors into their crotch one or two times a day with no ill effects. Rare others can manage three or four times daily. Any more than that can be dangerous.

I jam a pair of scissors into my crotch every ten minutes. Nearly everything that happens to me sets me off and pushes me over the edge! I'm a wreck, man! I'm losing sleep and my family won't talk to me any more! YOU GOTTA HELP ME!
Good lord! Looks like you qualify for the 12-Step program.

1. Remove scissors from crotch.
2. Remove scissors from crotch.
3. Remove scissors from crotch.
4. Remove the scissors from your crotch!
5. Okay, leave them there. See if I care.
6. Okay, I'm going to ask REALLY NICELY. Please remove the scissors from your crotch.
7. It's no use. We'll have to operate.
8. Nurse, hand me the exacto-knife.
9. Ah. Perhaps now you'll listen to reason. Remove the scissors from your crotch.
10. Hand them to me.
11. Okay. You're cured.
12. Hey, where'd you get that other pair of scissors? Oh forget it. Do whatever you want.

I think that this is an unfairly sexist web page. I could jam scissors into my crotch many times, and if I was careful with the point, it wouldn't do a thing (except maybe cause arousal, or even worse.) Of course there are the instances of women who have jammed coat hangers, hat pins, and crochet hooks into their crotches to produce other results. Just because guys can jam scissors into their crotches and get a lot of cool pain from doing it, I don't see why they can't be fair about it. So there. What is this, some kind of womb/vagina envy at work? O.K. If it is, then it's o.k. Keep on jammin'.
Well, 'jamming' and 'careful' aren't generally words that go together, when you get right down to it. That said, it should in no way be inferred that we recommend this activity as a 'home remedy'. If there's more at stake than your own enjoyment, you should exercise all due caution. Jam responsibly!

And another question....

I have a pair of rusty hedge clippers....if I use these instead of scissors will I get the same effect and if so, can I do this while having sex? Please reply as soon as possible....Thank you.
Well, the same caveat applies for hedge clippers as for garden shears. Weight may be a factor...also, the blade area may not be adequate for your needs. As far as the rust factor goes, well, different strokes for different folks. Some people may find tetanus appealing, while others may find it hinders your spreading the news about your new hobby, when your jaw locks up. If you want to risk all this during sex, it's really up to you, but remember that traditionally, jamming is a personal endeavour.
P.S. What about those people who stick scissors up their butts? Don't you think that you should have a FAQ page set up for them?
Good Lord, no. That's disgusting.

Can we use more than one pair of scissors?
Use as many pairs as you can get your mitts around.

Man, I just wanted to say, that's a great page... Have you ever experimented with electricity and scissors? I was thinking maybe a rectal probe (-) with the scissors (+). What do you think? High voltage, of course, but low amperage...
Rectum? Damn near KILLED 'em!

If I borrow a pair of scissors from a friend (who, of course, uses these same scissors to repeatedly ram himself in the crotch), will they still cut construction paper?
Good point! Um, point. Yeah. I suppose we've just assumed to this point scissor-jammers have been doing so with the shears TOGETHER. Using this method, certainly the cutting edges should be in good repair, provided you clean them when necessary, and provided the scissors aren't so cheap that the jarring upon impact into your crotch loosens the bolt. If you are, instead, opting for the 'open impact' scenario, you may find a bit of dulling occurs. Sharpen as necessary and appropriate.

I like this girl at work ... If I were to walk over to her desk, take her scissors and repeatedly ram them into my crotch, do you suppose she'd go out with me?
This probably would fall into the public crotch-jamming section, above. You may get lucky and find someone who falls madly in love with you following such a deed. On the other hand, you may quickly become acquainted with your local security guard.

Hi. Let's say I'm in some God-forsaken backwater nation where regular scissors are not to be found, but I want to maintain my jamming routine to stay in shape. Can I stack together two sardine can lids, pop a rivet in one corner, and use vise grips to work them like real scissors, all the while jamming them into my crotch?

I thought I should find out for sure, 'cause it's just like being careful about "A" vs. "B" UV rays and that kind of thing.

Thanks,
Brian in North Vancouver
Hey, Brian,
I notice that you, like us, live in the civilized world. For a long time now, human beings have utilized a swell invention called LUGGAGE. If you find yourself leaving home for any length of time, you should consider packing your scissors. Mind you, we carry our scissors around with us everywhere we go, in a gun holster, except when we're going through the airport. Now, that said, should your scissors be confiscated or stolen, and you really find yourself in a bind, yeah, something that looks like scissors will certainly suffice for a short period, although it's NEVER as good as the real thing.

Do you recomend a specific BRAND of scissors?
Only if BIG AND SHINY is a brand.

I've been wondering, I know that you've addressed many things, such as exacto-knives and hedge-clippers and the like, but I've a real problem here. Some people might complain of having to "jam" with items such as these, or even special fabric scissors. I myself, live in a right-hand dominated world, and can't seem to find a left-handed pair of scissors properly suited for jamming. More importantly, I find myself to embarrassed to go to the store to fetch a pair of suitable scissors. Please advise.
Now now, there's no need at all to feel embarassment going to get left-handed scissors. If it really comes down to it, and you think the clerk suspects something, just tell them that you're one of those creative types and you're throwing a paper-angel-cutting party. Not that there's any reason to be embarassed. People all over the world do it. People are unafraid to walk into any stationery store and proudly ask for a pair of scissors which properly fit their hand. However, if this is still a problem for you, you should call your local branch of Planned Jammerhood, where you can make an appointment with a counsellor to talk about it.

PS. out of curiousity, how would you suggest a quadrapalegic go about "jamming" with the rest of us. I assume that "jamming" is an equal opportunity hobby. Thank you for your time...
Again, Planned Jammerhood can be of use in setting up the potential jammer with a home-care jamming service.

Ok, ok, you've got me more than just a little intrigued when you speak of my "Local Branch of Planned Jammerhood".... In fact, you've peaked my curiosity... What exactly is this Branch? Is it like a Union, or perhaps more like a Craftsman's Guild? Is there necessarily even one in my area, and if not, how would I go about starting one? Will there be dues involved? How about social functions... ie. Jamming picnics, barbeques, "scissor-offs" or other related contests? How often do they meet...? I'll be anxiously awaiting a response.
Do you think they trust just ANYONE to open a branch of Planned Jammerhood? Nay, knave, before you can hold such an esteemed position in the community you must go through Jamming College and take all the required courses, in order to become a Certified Scissor-Jamming Expert (CSJE). Certainly we're all born with the knowledge to do it for ourselves, but the level of skill required for us to start counselling others...well, let's just say it's the difference between Courtney Love and Billie Holliday. If you are concerned about a lack of Planned Jammerhood in your area, feel free to call 1-800-JAM-IT-SIS for information on local plans (or to let them know you could use a branch), or to obtain information on Jamming College (see the website at http://www.jammin.edu, when it finally goes online). As for the picnics and barbecues and contests, well, that's really depraved. What next, goat-shaving in the streets? We must maintain our privacy and dignity. Mind you, if you want to get together with your friends and have a jammin' picnic, by all means do so. Just do it in an out-of-the-way place.

How did Edward Scissor-Hands, ever get anything done? Also, is it legal to "jam" with animals? Just wondering.<
Scissorless in Seatlle
Keep in mind that it's never in Hollywood's interest to tell you the WHOLE story. And no, it's not legal either to jam animals or to jam using them. If you're jamming, and there's an animal beside you jamming of their own accord, bon appetit.

From xxxxxx@aiusa.com, October 23, 1997:
If I were to use a pair of scissors that had been used to spread strawberry jam, would that be redundant?
Strawberry jamming scissors into your crotch, both a hobby AND a dessert topping!

From xxxxxxx@wanton.com, November 3rd, 1997:
I don't have scissors, I'm really poor. Could I use a flat rock or a pointed stick?
Dear "Bob", man! If you're too poor to afford scissors, you shouldn't be wasting money on an internet account! PRIORITZE! Scissors, then food, then shelter, THEN your internet access. Use the flat rock or stick if you have to, but it's without our official sanction.

From xxxx@ev.net, December 8th:
I was wondering, and this may sound like a silly question but my grandma says that jamming scissors into your crotch can make you go blind, but I imagine that you can only go blind from jamming them in your eyes. What I'm trying to get at here is that I've been having trouble seeing lately. What does this mean?
It means: stop jamming the scissors into your eyes.

From xxxxxx@dacmail.net, December 9th, 1997:
Man, like I was wondering, is it considered bad form to run with the scissors while you jam them into your crotch or is that a widely accepted method. I mean, sometimes I feel like I'm the only one, you know? I find it one of the better ways to keep warm while "jamming" here in the bitter cold of Minnesota.
Whatever are they teaching you out there in the wilds of Duluth? There is never, and we repeat, NEVER a good excuse for running with scissors. This is a basic fact of life. It might have even been one of the ten commandments. Nay, if you start messing with this, pretty soon you'll be handing the scissors to people point-first, and then pandemonium will ensue. Because of your one tiny personal rebellion, nations will fall, and new regimes forbidding scissor use of any kind, let alone in the privacy of your own home, will arise. Then where will we be? What would Miss Manners say? What would Ann Landers say?

From Tampa,FL, Dec 16th, 1997:
Can woman produce a jamming that will affect pregnacy??? I recently have had to stop my scissor jamming due to being pregnant. I am afraid of trying to jam my crotch, because i am afraid that i may miss, hitting an important organ that my baby needs. Please help me, im desperate!!!! Is there a certain spot that i can concentrate on?????
Missing my jammin's
Tampa, FL
This is similar to the question of responsibility listed above. It would be best to abstain if it is not just your own enjoyment on the line. Perhaps, in the interim, may we suggest acupuncture to ease the pain? And it's similar in a way, too, so you shouldn't quite miss it as much.

UNDER CONSTRUCTION Are there questions you wanted answered that weren't covered here? Please email them to scissors@armchair.mb.ca and we'll try to add them to the FAQ once we get the scissors out of our crotches. All questions added to the FAQ will be done so anonymously, unless otherwise requested...and we WILL verify it. No tomfoolery, now.